How to Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

A couple of suggestions to try on

Photo by SEO Galaxy on Unsplash

What produces the best results? Beating yourself up or giving yourself some grace and understanding?

If you’re unable to answer those questions, chances are, you’ve been hard on yourself for as long as you can remember. If that’s the case, I’m inviting you to

1. Not judge yourself (and certainly don’t beat yourself up about that) and
2. Be open to a different way of inspiring yourself.

I spent a great deal of my life being the mean girl to myself. I spoke about it in another article I wrote: “20+ Years in an Abusive Relationship”. For me, being really hard on myself created situations that required I be hard on myself again. It was a vicious cycle of frustration and disappointment that I was unknowingly creating with the way I continually responded to those situations. I won’t fully go into the neuroscience of it, that will be another article. What I do know is that when I learned that I played the biggest part in creating those situations, I went from beating myself up about that to beating myself up about beating myself up… until it finally sunk in that I had a choice to stop.

One of the most powerful questions I’ve come to ask myself is “How do I want to feel right now”?

This questions is helpful because it interrupts the pattern of thinking, brings you into the present moment, and gives you a chance to make a choice rather than acting automatically. When I was being hard on myself, I was not in the present moment, I was reliving a past decision or action over and over.

The past is a memory. Memories aren’t the most reliable and accurate story teller. Memories are all one-sided and are coming through your current life filter. That makes being in the present moment essential for getting beyond the habit of being hard on ourselves.

So where do we start? To stop being so hard on yourself, be in AWE of the amazing person you are. Awareness, Wonder, Excitement (doesn’t that sound fun? Let’s dive in)

1. Awareness is always the first step in any journey towards change. (I don’t recommend you take the route I did beating yourself up for not knowing you have a choice. Of course, if that’s the path you must take, I get it, I support you, and I’ll wait. I’ll be here when you’re ready for the next step.) What to become aware of:

• Your thoughts and the words you say to yourself when you feel like or think you “messed up”. How do you feel emotionally or what other thoughts follow those initial thoughts? How do they affect your body?
• Your body. Do you notice any tightness or tension in the chest, throat, stomach, neck, or shoulder area? Those are the most common areas but everyone is different. Start tuning in. Harsh words or tones can put some people on the defense. They will start to tighten up in preparation for a non-existent fight. Your body doesn’t know the difference between you being mean or someone else being mean. That’s why it’s important to become aware of your body’s state. Especially after an incident where you feel you goofed.
• Other people’s reactions. If you are talking to someone about how you failed at something and their energy shifts or their facial expression changes, you may have been beating yourself up a bit. Our thoughts and words produce energy waves in the atmosphere. Negative talk doesn’t just affect you, it affects those with whom you share as well. That can slowly create distance between you and that person who probably has enough negative crap going on in their mind.

2. Wonder: Here I’m inviting you to get curious. Not about why you’re being so hard on yourself unless it’s become so chronic that you can’t shake it. (I was there to be honest.. until I learned about the brain and then about energy alignment). If getting to the why is important to you, I recommend seeking a professional counselor, therapist, or energy alignment practitioner (me, shameless plug). Otherwise, this is an invitation to get curious about what it’s like to shift your response from being hard on yourself to showing grace and being forgiving.

You can’t get curious without the awareness of what being mean to yourself does to you physically and/or emotionally and/or how it affects the relationship you have with people you care about.

3. Excitement: What’s there to get excited about? All of the now actionable data you’ve collection through your awareness and wonder. Now you can take actions to break the habit of being mean or hard on yourself and reap the rewards for giving yourself grace.

*Note* Giving yourself grace doesn’t let you off the hook, it opens your mind to more creative ways of handling that situation the next time. It takes you out of fight or flight mode (which does not engage the reasoning, thinking, problem solving part of the brain).

Here’s what you can try on:

• Catch the negative thought before you complete it. To build new pathways in your brain, you need to retrain it to what you actually want. Once you stop that thought or statement, create a new loving, compassionate thought, statement, or comment. It will shift your energy and focus immediately. Your body will thank you for it and prefer it the more you do it. (Please give yourself time, depending on how long you’ve been at this, it could take time for your brain and mind to recognize this as your new norm and that you’ll get results this way too)
• Express gratitude. I know that may sound random or even cliche, however, gratitude is one of the most powerful forms of expression, especially when a shift is needed. Be grateful for the awareness so that you’re able to make positive transformative shifts.
• Remind yourself that messing up isn’t the end of the world. It’s event-specific, not person-specific. In other words, that goof doesn’t mean you’re a goof. If actually means you’re courageous because the only way any of us can mess up or goof is to get out there and try.
• Engage the right people. If you have people in your life who want the best for you AND are willing to call you out on your crap, that’s a gift. If your ego will allow constructive loving criticism, having someone in your life who’s willing and able to point out when you’re traveling down the self-deprecation road is priceless.

Final thoughts, if someone in your life was a hard on your as you are on yourself, how long would you tolerate them? Thank the version of you who has ensured you’ve gotten this far and embrace the new version of you who has the power to take you even further. You absolutely got this! I’m proud of you already!