Reduce Stress, Improve Communication, Preserve Relationships
Stop with the “Fake” No
When you tell someone No, are you really saying no? Or are you giving a list of reasons why you can’t, won’t or don’t want to accept that offer, food, drink, invitation, etc?
NO is a Complete Sentence: Why is it so Hard to Say?
Reduce Stress
Research has named some of the common reasons people find it hard to say no (Byrne, 2020).
- Learned behavior — perhaps you witnessed, at an early age, your parents or other influences in your life struggle with saying no.
- Dislike of fear or conflict — sometimes there’s a fear that saying no will cause the other person to dislike or no longer love them
- Fear of disappointing others — Saying no to someone means their feelings may get hurt. Without proper tools, that can be emotionally challenging to navigate and most people do not have the right tools.
- The need to fit in and be liked — this is one of our oldest, deepest needs and comes from the need to survive. This is a hard one to combat and/or recognize at times.
Do you identify with one or more of those? Naturally, this list isn’t exhaustive. The challenge is, these reasons tend to operate at an unconscious level. The lack of self-awareness can create regular stressful scenarios, as using ‘Fake No’s’ often leads to ineffective communication. Hence the importance of clear communication.
Improve Communication
A “Fake No” occurs when someone gives an unclear or non-definitive response to a yes/no question, rather than a firm answer. Below is a very simplified example. Notice what transpires here.
Scenario 1: I’m trying to Quit
Person 1: Hey person 2, want to go smoke
Person 2: I’m trying to quit smoking
Person 1: Well you haven’t yet, why not have just one more?
Person 2: Feeling obligated, but it’s raining
Person 1: I know, I brought my umbrella, you’ll be fine
Person 2: I left my jacket in the car
Person 1: It’s okay I have an extra at my desk, let me get that for you
Person 2: (ran out of reasons and went for a smoke)
Scenario 2: I don’t smoke.
Person 3: Hey person 4, want to go smoke
Person 3: I don’t smoke (equivalent to a solid no)
Person 3: Oh
Person 4: Smiles and walks away.
Notice how in scenario 1, Person 1 had a solution for each of Person 2’s responses? Think of a time you may not have been so clear or definitive in a response and the other person attempted to provide solutions for you. Did it eventually lead to stress or conflict as a result of the ineffective communication? Those kinds of conversations have higher odds of spiraling into a whole other conversation stemming from previously unresolved conflict.
Where as in scenario 2, Person 3 didn’t have a solution for Person 4? The conversation was done without a heated discussion. Of course, they won’t all be this clean but saying what you mean is a super power.
Preserve Relationships
Remember, saying no doesn’t mean anything more than you’re choosing you and your preference in that moment. As a Transformational Spiritual Life Coach, I work with private highly driven clients to help them release the emotional connection to their inability to say or challenges around saying no.
If you’ve mastered the art of saying no, congratulations — keep embracing it! If you find it challenging, consider working with someone to help you find ways to use “no” effectively, in a way that aligns with your communication style.
“No” is a single-word sentence with a lot of power. By setting clear boundaries, we practice self-care that not only honors ourselves but also creates healthier dynamics with others.
I hope you found this article to be helpful. Please comment and share your thoughts, experiences, and/or takeaways. I’m always thrilled to connect with readers.
References:
Byrne, Deborah (2020, April 5). Why We Struggle to Say No. https://deborahbyrnepsychologyservices.com/why-we-struggle-to-say-no/